Revenge of the Revenge of the Lost Tapes, Episode 9

Season 3, Episode 9: Beast of Bray Road

The Pre-Episode Clincher

Some hairy man in camouflage gets assaulted by the ShakyCam. Not the most memorable opening ever.

The Monsters

The Beast of Bray Road is described as a vaguely werewolfish monster. The Lost Tapes version, however, appears to be a reuse of the “generic ape-dog-thing” costume we’ve seen before in the Devil Monkey and vampire episodes.

The Story

Our characters this time around are

 

Revenge of the Revenge of the Lost Tapes: Episode 8

Welcome to the next riffing rambling about the Lost Tapes season 3. Tonight’s episode is entitled “Q”; sadly, there is no John de Lancie here, only our typical show of suffering. So let’s get started!

Season 3, Episode 8: Q-the Serpent God

The Pre-Episode Clincher

Some jackass tourist goes to the Mexican village of Los Portales, wandering around an abandoned warehouse train depot before finding a giant nest of hay and promptly being consumed by something in the straw. Wee.

 

Revenge of the Revenge of the Lost Tapes, Episode 7

Even if I haven’t managed to get out any reviews proper, hey, at least we’ve had Lost Tapes for the October thematics. There’s only one episode tonight, as the second spot will be taken up from here on out by the premiere of another new Animal Planet paranormal show, Freak Encounters. From what I’ve gathered, Freak Encounters appears to be Punk’d, only with cryptids and folkloric monsters, so…yeah. I’m not even going to waste blog space on it unless it turns out differently than I expect. At least Lost Tapes is so bad it’s good.

 

Revenge of the Revenge of the Lost Tapes, Episodes 5 and 6

Season 3, Episode 5: Devil Monkey

The Pre-Episode Clincher

Two goofy-haired teenagers come across an old moonshiner’s still. There’s a scream from outside before ShakyCam instates itself and one of the teens get predictably killed.

The Monsters

Devil Monkeys are described as something akin to giant baboons. In this case, they’re more like a reuse and slight redesign of the old vampire costumes from season 2…meh.

 

Revenge of the Revenge of the Last Tapes: Season 3, Episodes 3 and 4

Wow, it’s already that time of the week again already? Time sure does fly.

Season 3, Episode 3: Strigoi

The Pre-Episode Clincher

Some oil company workers are playing football before a truck rolls up with a dead man in it. You then get the most unimpressive cry of “gas leak, gas leak!”, said in the same tone as “there’s a bug in my ice cream!”, before the ShakyCam attacks.

 

Revenge of the Revenge of the Lost Tapes: Season 3 Premiere

Somehow, some way, Lost Tapes got a third season, and people actually wanted it. Well, since the first episode takes place in my home state and is about as far from animals as Animal Planet can go…and because I neglected to blog the second season past one episode…I obviously had to blog it and the second episode in their double-feature premiere!

 

Lost Tapes, the Revenge: Vampires

Okay, so I technically lied. I had already seen the first episode of season 2 before the last post. But can you really blame me for trying to buy myself some time?

On the other hand, it’s probably better to get this out of the way sooner rather than later, so let’s dig right into the first episode of Lost Tapes Season 2. I’ll warn y’all ahead of time, this is more of me giving pros and cons than a true review, as will be the rest of Lost Tapes, the Revenge. Hopefully it’s not a minus.

 

What I learned from Lost Tapes ((Belated look at the 2-17-2009 Episodes))

What I learned from Part 1-Mongolian Death Worm

• People can be big enough idiots to have ATV races in the Gobi Desert.
• People can be big enough idiots to ride ATVs in the Gobi Desert without enough fuel.
• Mongolian Death Worms bite people in the ass…repeatedly.
• Mongolian Death Worms follow a single person around until they can kill them.
• Mongolian Death Worms, despite being only 3 feet long, can drag an adult human down into the desert sands.

What I learned from Part 2-Hellhound

• Joe Nickell must be held captive in the Animal Planet studios, because he’s once again on this program.
• All Goths apparently practice ritual spellcasting.
• Said ritual spellcasting apparently takes place atop graves…at night…in the city…without any guards giving a fuss…
• Goth mages apparently attract hellhounds.
• Hellhounds happen to look like perfectly normal rottweilers with red contact lenses put in.
• Don’t insult people, because they might be undead whose pet hellhounds will mercilessly curse you to death in a car crash. (Seriously, that’s how the episode ended. This…is Animal Planet, right? Not urban fantasy like the Dresden Files?)

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And lo, season 1 ends. My tribulation ends with me triumphant! Me, me I say! Hahahahahahaha…ha!

 

What I Learned From Today’s Lost Tapes

What I learned from Part 1-Skinwalker

• Cowboys reactively say “damn” when a coyote howls.
• A Native American man in a coyote skin elicits no more of a response than “oh, there are plenty of reservations around here”.
• Joe “lake monster accounts are judged in terms of otters” Nickell pops up in the strangest places.
• Skinwalkers are comparable to tadpoles turning into frogs and caterpillars into butterflies…no, seriously, they said that.
• Encountering a skinwalker can make a college student drop his quest for a Political Science degree in favor for one in Native American Mythology (Is there even such a degree? I must have missed that course in college).

What I learned from Part 2-Mothman

• Mothman can manifest itself in windows and trees as a figure that looks more or less like a blanket with cardboard wings attached.
• Mothman makes husband and wife hate each other.
• Animal Planet has no idea of how to turn down the reflection shine on a 3D model, something that even a person like myself that only does 3D art as a hobby knows how to do.
• FBI agents accuse random monster hunters of blowing up bridges.
• FBI agents freely call the man they interrogate “such a loser”; to his face, no less.
• FBI agents are taunting assholes that use a man’s wife as incentive to make him angry.
• FBI agents in Lost Tapes are just plain unnatural.
• If you see a monster and your spouse leaves you because you are a cook that “needs to get help”, pledge to never mention the mentally scarring event again!

 

Lost Tapes-Megaconda and Thunderbird

It is that time again, folks! The Tuesday night of Lost Tapes!

Part 1-Megaconda

Oh no…oh no…they can’t be doing this again. The episode is on the Sucuriju Gigante, or Matatoro, a monstrous anaconda, and, the episode takes place in America! Our heroes this time are Scott and….some guy with glasses whose name was muffled when it was said…animal rights activists who decide to break into a textile mill that is supposedly illegally trafficking animals. Scott gleefully ignores the security cameras taping his illegal actions and busts into the warehouse. We then cut to a very huge box that the local guard’s dog is freaked out by. Scott and friend, meanwhile, continue their escapades within the warehouse, filming some man-sized pythons and a big cats that Tobar Textiles illegally imported. Then the guard appears and grapples the camera in a ShakyCam™ incident! Yeah, it comes up at just the “suspenseful” time you expect it to.