Welcome, ladies, gentlemen, and things that go Oogity-Boogity-Boogity-Boogity under your beds! Scotsperson here with a weekly feature for your Friday’s. It’s my weekly Top Ten from gaming! Why Top Ten? Because I’m lazier than the Nostalgia Critic. This week, I’ll be taking a look at my personal Top Ten “Moments that make you wince” Every game has that attack where you scrunch your eyes or avert you gaze, reach for the spot you just saw get obliterated, or have every muscle in your body clench up, so this week, I’m celebrating them!
Halo 3 – The Spartan Laser
Anyone who has seen this thing in action knows why it’s deserving of at least an honorary mention. It’s a giant shoulder-mounted laser, which takes up a chunk of your vision, and lets out a giant screaming red laser blast of DOOM which devastates everyone and everything in its path. The reason that it’s not in the actual Top Ten is because everyone uses it, and it’s lost its “Holy Crap!” factor. It’s expected now, so it’s more a “Oh bugger” moment when you see it coming, and you just lower your head, cursing your luck.
Fable 2 – Fully charged Inferno, Lightning and Blades Spells
Now, to understand why this is here, you have to know that in Fable 2, you have to charge your spell for the higher levels. What this results in is your Hero channelling a ball of energy, growing bigger and bigger, arching their back backwards to hold it, the area around them becoming illuminated in a blinding white light, until you let go and every enemy around you becomes the latest resident in the Underworld. With Blades, several swords made of energy are summoned, and pierce surrounding foes, Inferno causes a shockwave of fire to decimate the group, and Lightning summons solid pillars of lightning on every single target in the area, causing their bodies to reveal their skeletons in a small flash now and again. This made it because although it can be constantly used, seeing twenty-odd bandits wiped out in the blink of an eye…you can feel their pain.
Guitar Hero/Rock Band Series – Songs on Expert
Okay, this is cheating a little, but if you’re watching someone play these games on Expert, then your fingers will cramp up watching, especially if you have yet to fully master Medium. Look up on YouTube for videos for Through the Fire and Flames, Free Bird and Raining Blood on Expert, look at the notes, and tell me you don’t feel your hand cramp up at the very thought of attempting to pull those moves off. People who can pull those off have either consumed a near-lethal amount of caffeine/sugar or have been freed from the Matrix
Super Smash Bros. Brawl – Several Final Smash moves
You look at this game and you tell me that Samus’ Zero Laser, Mario’s twirling Fireball, Super Sonic mode, Pikachu’s Volt Tackle, Giga Bowser, getting run over by Captain Falcon’s vehicle and a few others aren’t bloody painful. I’d name them all that deserve to be mentioned, but it’s easier to name the ones that are the exception. Jigglypuff’s final move is where the little marshmallow expands into a blimp, then shrinks again. That’s it. It may shove you off, but it’s a bit…bleh. Peach’s Final Smash sends you to sleep, and summons peaches that heal health. This can end up helping your foes more than helping you, so it’s not the best idea at times.
God Hand – The Spank Grapple
Yes, you are reading that right. God Hand is a game where you control Gene, a man who got his hand cut off, and got one with either God-like powers, or traded with a God – I forget. Anyway, God Hand is a Beat-em-up as you wander random locations in a Wild West setting, kicking ass and getting drunk, and they’re all sold out of booze. Now, you take on men and women, and as with most games where the goal is to kick everyone’s ass, there are grapple moves. One is when Gene grabs a female foe, throws her over his knee, and takes his God Hand, and proceeds to rapid-smack the poor girls bottom until one final mega-spank sends her face first into the first wall she comes across.
The Bottomless Pit, Long drops, and Spiky spikes
Most, if not all, games have one of these three things. And let’s face it, you get worried when you see them, because you know something’s going to happen, as we all know, Game Developers are cruel, evil people who enjoy messing with players…I’m looking at you, Molyneux! Besides, no matter how many times you see your poor character fall into the abyss, get impaled on pointy objects or just die when there are no foes makes you mutter ouch. Especially getting launched off the edge of something, and watch the body spiral in the air, before landing with a thump, bouncing slightly.
Final Fantasy – Bahamut’s Mega Flare
Now I could give the cop-out entry of “Every single Final attack in the series “, give a poor reason, and move on, but I feel that this summon has one of the most eye-watering attacks. I’ll take the FFX version to give you an idea. First, after he reaches Overdrive, then, he does a nice little somersault, and digs his claws into the ground, crouching and arching his back. His circle relic…thingy starts spinning, allowing Bahamut to let out a giant cannon of energy, which then grows to fill the entire screen with light energy, blasting debris towards your foes. If that isn’t wince-worthy, then you are a strong person.
Team Fortress 2 – Every single Critical Kill
Now, there’s one class in particular that will make you wince – the Spy. If he gets behind you, and manages to get a backstab in, then your ragdoll body will…and I do mean, will go flying across the battlegrounds, and it is able to make you jump and say silly frightened sounds. However, every class is able to get a critical hit, so when that charged shot gets you, with a sound of Lightning, and the view of either your ragdoll crashing on the ground, or getting exploded into confetti, and watch as it rains down on the spot you stood – it’s certainly able to make you wince…as you never see it coming.
Left 4 Dead – Getting Hit by the Tank
Now, when I first played this game, I was put off by the fact that my teammates were arrogant, vindictive assholes who stood and shot me while I was lying on the ground dying. This led me to rate the game poorly. Recently, a friend told me to try again so I played with him and two other friends, and I rather liked the game ((Expect a full analysis in the next few days)) One part which actually made me yell out was when a Super-zombie, named The Tank, charged out of nowhere and punched me off a building, sending me plummeting to my death, and out of the action. Another of his moves is when he literally pulls a chunk of debris out of the ground – the chunk being roughly the size of an actual person – and throws it at you. Enough said.
Dead Or Alive 4 – Every single one of Alpha-152’s attacks
In my last post, I talked about Alpha-152 and the fact she has some of the most painful moves in the game. There’s the move where she wraps her legs around your necks, pulls you down to the ground, and pummels your head repeatedly, there’s the neck twist and hand explosion, and a move where I’m not sure exactly what happens, but she seems to cut your very soul. Add her spinning blue vortex of kicking doom, and you’ve got yourself a painful fight where you get launched into glass tubes, causing them to shatter, and your character’s body to hit the ground…hard.
Every single Mario Kart – The Blue Shell
So far, the things I’ve mentioned are pretty painful, to both you and your character, but nothing is as flinch-inducing, as muscle-clenching, as painful as the Blue Shell from Mario Kart. Imagine it…you’re cruising along in first place, been leading all race, avoiding pitfalls and such. You’re on the last lap…the finishing line can be seen, until a fwoosh and a bang later, and you’ve been blown up into the air, everyone zooms past you, and Bowser comes along and sends you into the grass or a hole. Say what you want, but nothing is as painful as losing a race and championship because of one attack.
Well, there you have it. Ten…eleven of some wince-inducing moments in gaming. See you in a day or two for my next instalment, where I’ll be taking a look at the proper Pokemon game series!