I know, I know, I missed a Top Ten, but I had a bad week – a job I really wanted was given to someone else. Fair play, but that left me gutted. I needed something, anything to get me writing once more…and that’s when I found it. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the reasons that gave me the motivation to start Celtic Gaming has helped me once more. Something that I had to review, and only for a few pounds… Get your lotion ready, because we’re going to the sunny beaches of Dead or Alive Xtreme 2.
Now, I could review this game without even removing Fallout 3 from my beast of a 360 ((No, I’m not gonna review Fallout 3, its way more fun to make fun of games – I like it too much)) but then I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t try and play the game. I was tempted, oh so sorely tempted to just review this based off the back of the box and manual! But it’s probably a good thing I did, because it’s just…so fucking weird. Let’s start off with the blurb on the back, shall we?
“The Dead or Alive girls are back and they’re having a blast on New Zack Island! Slip your favourite girl into one of hundreds of tasty swimsuits, then engage in exciting sports and tropical leisure activities throughout the island, building friendships with the other girls. Need a Vacation? Get away from it all with the girls of Dead Or Alive Xtreme 2,”
That second sentence in the blurb? That one right there? Yeah, that probably contributed to 90% of the games sales. All the attire in the game? Either tiny bikinis, revealing Bikinis, Nightgowns, or a mix. And no, I’m not kidding. We got seven cleavage and side-boob flashes on the box alone. The manual? There’s 15 of them in this 50 page manual – take away the 9 pages of filler, and that’s a lot…
Now, with all this cleavage flashing, and we’re not even in the game, you’d think there would be a high rating on these so impressionable little kids, right? You delusional idiots… Here, in the UK, the PEGI decided that this game, with 22 cleavage shots and such, should be played by twelve year olds. They didn’t play it, they just thought “Boobies…o.o” and signed the little thing allowing Team Ninja to triple their sales. I don’t know who exactly is behind the big boss’s desk over there, but I’m sure that all that goes through their mind is “Big breasts = money” – it’s evident in the DOA series and Ninja Gaiden 2, where the main female ((Who works for the CIA)) is wearing something that cannot be regulation uniform. If it is? Well, let’s just say there’s gonna be some poor interns whose eyes will implode…
Moving onto the manual…and I’m greeted by an eighteen year old girl in a bikini whose wearing a T-Shirt, with no fabric just above the bottom of her assets. How do I know her age? Well that comes in the shape of the game’s third strike, the Blurb and the various boob-shots on the box were strikes one and two. We get some…detailed descriptions on the girls of DOA. They include Nationality, Height, Weight, Measurements, Birthday, Age, Blood Type, Hobbies, Favourite Food and Colour. And what the hell is with having names that don’t fit their nationality? Because I’m pretty sure when I hear the name Hitomi, I certainly don’t think she’s German!
The manual then goes on to describe the games. We have Beach Volleyball, Water Slide, Tug-Of-War, Pool Hopping, Beach Flags, Marine Race and Butt Battle. Now, boys and girls, how many of these do you think have no sexual poses? If you said none, then you’ve answered the easiest question possible. In the Marine race, which is basically Jet-Ski racing, you can do “Appeal” moves. All I can make a girl do is wiggle her butt at me. Yeah, that won’t distract people from the race…Beach flags is basically a twenty metre run over the sand to grab a flag, pretty much Baywatch-esque, just no low-speed jiggle. Pool Hopping itself is the least Fanservice of the lot, however you are “Treated” to the winner jumping up and down and posing. However, that can be said for all games. Water-Slide and Tug-Of-War are both rather self explanatory, both lead to glistening women in bikinis. Beach Volleyball is basically like watching it on a sports channel, except less clothing and more close-ups of curvy women. The most sinful of them all is the Butt Battle, as the name implies. You and another girl bash butts until you fall off into the pool. I’m not even gonna give it a comment.
Now, Dead or Alive Xtreme 2 is to be congratulated. I only played the game for five minutes, and I swear to the Force, that my head started to hurt. This game caused me physical pain! How is that fair!? It’s because its hypnotic cleavage has no effect on me, and I can see it for what is really is! A Fanservice game which is more like a Hentai Game than anything else, just with no nudity, but the outfits they wear leave nothing to the imagination. And it gets worse… There’s no story to this game, just a brief, 30 second cut scene with some weak reason for the girl you play as being there. And every time you talk to someone else, they are doing sexual poses….why the hell would they pose like that? Are they all in love with each other? Are they really bored? Does it come natural to them? I don’t know anymore. We’re talking about a game which has sexual references crammed into every scene, which a twelve-year-old can buy. Yes, you are reading that right, a pre-teen who sounds like he lives off helium can go and buy a game which is nothing more than six short minigames with large breasts on them.
Now, if you remember my Dead or Alive 4 review, I praised it for being a challenge. Dead or Alive Xtreme 2, however, is like trying to kick a bodybuilder in the groin and not get the offending foot torn off. You make one, just one mistake; the game will forever let you know about it. Its impossible to be insanely perfect at this game. I mean, DOA, Ninja Gaiden – both of Team Ninja’s series are famed for being a challenge, and I suppose as far as beatings go, the game gives you breasts as a softer, more cushioned beating.
Now, this game isn’t all bad. This may be an odd thing to praise, but the Soundtrack is the best damn thing about this game. I’m serious! I left the game playing on the menu while I wrote, and I just felt all happy and cheerful! If you’re not gonna use the 360 at a party, just leave it open at the menu, and you have instant music! It’s the only part of this game which redeems it.
So, overall comments? It’s a really short Mini-game compilation with big fake breasts attached to the front. If you have any decency, do not buy this game for playing it…instead, buy it for a great music CD! On Friday, I’ll be posting a list of games I’ll be making fun of – see you then Scotsperson