Hello people, Scotsperson here with my Top Ten Worst Games – these are games which I find so horrifyingly terrible, that they must be mocked – if I ever find them, expect a full review of them. Now, brace yourselves for some of the worst games this side of the moon landing!
Wii Music (Wii)
This was Nintendo’s attempt to get in on the “Musical Genre” craze, and do what Guitar Hero and Rock Band did but without Slipknot, Metallica, Aerosmith and Tenacious D – what we get is a sub-par music…thing where your Mii’s hold plastic instrument’s to their face and pretend to play them – sort of like playing air Guitar or Air Drums, but a lot less fun
The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion ((360, PC))
This got in mainly because of the disappointment factor. We were promised large rolling fields that you want to explore…but what’s the point when you can teleport anywhere you want? It was far from immersive, and the people who just stood at you unblinking, like you’re gonna swipe their boxers from them – the fact most people did is besides the point. Oh! And Horse Armour DLC – enough said
Every Single Wii Compilation Mini-Game ever ((Wii))
This is just a slap to the face – this is supposed to get the whole family, even your dear old grandmother gaming, but this is not gaming – these are board games we play when we are bored – use the Wii for something good like Super Smash Bros, classic Mario, Pikmin, Guitar Hero, No More Heroes – you know, ACTUAL games?
Dirge of Cerberus: Final Fantasy VII ((PS2))
Again, major disappointment – if it wasn’t for the fact it had Final Fantasy VII on it, it would just be another sub-par shooter. You play as Vincent, everyone’s optional Vampire-Emo…I forget what he is…who is trying to atone for his sins, or save the world – I kind of stopped caring when Cait Sith jumped out a robot’s chest who you thought was a friend who was dead – yeah, set the tone right there. Also, in the Cut scene, Vince takes a copter out in five shots…I damn near emptied my clip into the bugger to down it!
We Cheer ((Wii))
Anyone else noticing all the crap games are coming out on the Wii? >.> All the characters look like Bratz dolls, the music is god-awful, and if it wasn’t for the fact I had family I was forced to socialize with, I’d never known, heard or be aware of this game – This suffers from Sonic Syndrome, thankfully – you ever play it, I shall visit your house, and smack you across the head. I’m serious.
Shadow the Hedgehog ((PS2, GameCube, Xbox))
Sonic with Guns. Sonic…with guns…Sonic with…guns…I’m sorry, no matter how you say it there is no way that’s right. This is when the series went downhill for me. I could put up with Sonic Heroes, but not this. It’s so repetitive, you have to play through ten times…ten bloody times, to get the “True Ending” and you know something? I’m one of the few idiots to actually play it that many times…yes, it took me several months, but I did it.
All Mass-Produced Crap and Tie-ins
Yes, it’s for kids – yes, it’s only business, but that does not take away my right to mock them thoroughly! They just slap some waste of time onto a disc, puts the brand name all over it, and Oompa-Loompas eat them up like sugar dust! I fear for our future if those are the brains that are gonna lead us into the future
Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Sword ((360))/Bikini Zombie Slayers ((Wii))
Don’t you dare look at me like that! I hate this game for more reasons than it’s fanserviceness! It was labelled as a “sexy Dead Rising” – the fighting is just hammering a button/flailing wildly, the graphics are sub-par, the gameplay length is terrible and the Boss Battles are uninspiring. All this game’s got going for it is gore and bouncy breast physics…sickos…
Barbie’s Pony-Riding Adventures ((PS2))
Just plain NO
Dead or Alive Xtreme 2 ((360))
If you didn’t see this coming, you really are daft – for a full mocking, see the review from last month.
Short, but it’s fun to let short bursts of mocking out. Join me on Saturday, when I reveal What I got planned for the future!