Celtic Movies: Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children

02 Apr

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen to the first-ever Celtic Movies! I have no clue if I will do another one of these beyond this one, but we shall see how it goes. To kick off Final Fantasy Month, I’m going to be giving my opinion on some key factors of the movie. I can’t promise to be as detailed as the Nostalgia Critic, but I may be more entertaining. Insert SPOILER WARNING here.

Fifteen seconds in, and the Reunion is already being mentioned…hmm…I wonder if Sephiroth will be involved? Or Jenovah? Well, Sephie is on the front cover, so it is a safe bet! The proper action kicks of which who I presume is Red XIII and possibly his two kids running through a desert-esque valley before looking over a lush green paradise, giving a little roar. It looks fantastic, however this is Final Fantasy, so it will look fantastic – it’s what’s inside that matters…

Nope, we’re being told that that little run was 500 years in the future! Back in the present we have Reno in a helicopter. You remember Reno, right? Red head who worked with the Turks in the original game? Yeah, he features quite a bit in the movie. For now, it’s a brief appearance as we visit a mountain in the rain as they do….who knows and Tseng and Elena get their asses handed to them as Reno flies off with…who knows what. It’s all very vague, but it’s Final Fantasy – what else do you expect? Okay, I’ll stop with those…This scene ends with the helicopter flying out of sight into…the great fogs of Moria! …What? You have a better idea?

Into the third scene switch in as many minutes and we have a light show! No, this isn’t a light show…it’s the Lifestream! And they got a little girl to tell us about it! Let’s be honest, all fans of Final Fantasy VII will have memorized what the Lifestream is, and they’re the only people who will have bought the DVD anyway. Oh god…they’re recapping what happened! Why?! It’s just a pointless delay! We know Shinra was evil! We know who Jenovah is! Get on with it! Although, I give them credit for recreating the scene where Sephiroth looked evil, then turned to walk into the fire at Nibelheim, as well as Aeris/Aerith’s death where Cloud lets her sink into the water.

After the recap that was only good to recreate a couple of memorable scenes from the game, we should finally be in the right time, and see some new plot! We see various shots of a city…and everyone’s wearing grey…I mean it! In one shot, there were three colours, 99% of which are grey! Everything will be chrome or grey in the future! Except for cars, they can be blue or yellow…however they come in the oh so popular grey variety as well. We get some views of some ill homeless children…that’s downright depressing…and we suddenly see Marlene! She’s Mr T’s…erm, I mean Barret’s daughter! She’s looking after an ill kid named Denzel! He was never in the game! Force, this will be a long movie…

Well, here marks the appearance of another main character from the game, it’s Tifa, who has seemingly become goth with her all black getup at Seventh Heaven! Yes, they show you the bar outside, so you don’t get confused! After I watched this movie, I was thinking of calling it Final Fantasy 7: The Phone of the Gods, as phones play way too big a part in this movie. So far, we have thirty seconds of ringing when we are seven and a half minutes in! After we see Tifa getting a call from an old friend who we aren’t told who it is, we cut away to Cloud’s old rusty sword planted in the ground not too far from Midgar. Yay, nostalgia! And it took us eight minutes to find out who is behind the movie! It’s Square-Enix, what a shocker! We also see Cloud on a motorbike, listening to a message from Tifa on his phone. Now he’s supposed to go to Healin…what kind of name is Healin for a town anyway?

Soon enough though, we see three very bad Sephiroth Cosplayers, who after a bit of whining, spot Cloud and attack him while conveniently a bunch of Shadow Hounds join in. After a weird fight where instead of letting the Shadow Hounds eat Cloud’s face, they bugger off after shooting him in the face. Oh don’t worry – his goggles are bullet proof and he’s only got a small cut. Bloody show off…Anyway, we move on to Cloud going to visit Reno, as told to by Tifa. I don’t know if this is pandering to the fans, or Barret is Mr T with a gun for a hand, but within his first three words “What up, fool?” it’s obvious that Barret is Mr. T. Although, to be honest he, and Vincent, are the only voices that don’t wanna make me bash my head off the desk. The voices don’t match the lips at all, so you are better off watching it subbed, rather than dubbed. Trust me. Hell…99% of stuff made in Japan is better off subbed than dubbed. Naruto proves that…no, I am not saying it! No amount of money would get me to say those two words! Moving on!

We finally get our first pit stop of plot, but most of it is just going over what we’ve already seen. Although the movie does have a comic relief character – yes, it’s the red headed trickster, Reno. After Cloud gets pissed after meeting Rufus Shinra, another returning face, we cut to Tifa and Marlene going into that church. Yes, you know which church I mean. It’s where Cloud has been sleeping! Suddenly, after some really weak dialogue, Kadaj, the lead Sephi-Cosplayer is telling us his motives! After a quick cutaway to Cloud who’s reminiscing about Zack, we return to Tifa and Marlene relaxing until one of the Sephi-Cosplayers tries to nab “Mother” and wants Tifa to play with him. This just leads into a rather spectacular fight scene, with a piano instrumental of old-school battle music. This ends when Tifa leaps off the wall and sends the poor man crashing into some Debris. They also have the FFVII Battle Win music just after as a ringtone on the SC’s phone. After telling us he’s not crying, he proceeds to put the pain into Tifa, who is only saved after Marlene throws shiny orbs at the not-crying Cosplayer. I would learn their names but I can’t see it being important…Anyway, Marlene is kidnapped, we see that local children have the IQ of a lemming as they jump onto a truck driven by some stranger, although we know him as the third SC…

After Cloud demonstrates his lack of perception, and a freaky, possibly drug-addled mind blast, and Cloud awakens on a bed….somehow…no, wait Beavis and Butthead brought them back, after making some rather unwanted jokes, we cut to a talk about Cloud and Tifa having a talk about their troubles…bloody hell, Cloud is an emo! And Kadaj figures out the shiny rocks are materia! We get random shots of Cloud driving his bike through a forest which lacks as much colour as Orphan City. some sort of weird ritual with Kadaj’s SC group…and a bunch of kids…bonus points for the guitar solo during the ritual…the water in this world is messed up…

As Cloud is driving, he is talking to a mysterious person, but who is she?! We can’t see her face! Let’s see…brown hair…long skirt…She had a major impact on Cloud….Ooh! I know! It’s Yuffie! Wait, that can’t be right…no one liked her…Anyway, Kadaj pushes for “Creepiest Final Fantasy villain” award while he taunts Cloud. Our Spiky blonde hero promptly gets his arse handed to him by Kadaj and his crying…triplets…sorry! Non-crying, as we are constantly told…Well, Marlene rushes over to the tired Cloud, and before they can be killed off, a mysterious red cape eats them, and buggers off again. It’s Vincent! Hooray, everyone’s favourite optional character! Although, not hard considering who else there was.

After everyone is filled in on what they plan on doing, and who they’re bringing back, we see a dramatic falling of a mobile phone…*Checks the DVD case* Nope, still Advent Children…Anyway, after Cloud gets a new one torn out of him verbally by a little girl – we cut to a bunch of kids playing Ring around the Rosies! Who appear to be glued to the ground…that’s not how you play the game! Either way, the parents are pissed that their kids are glued there, as Tweedledee and Tweedledumb…erm, baldie and Red try and rescue them. Meanwhile, because he’s bored, Kadaj unleashes shadow hounds on the crowd. Tifa shows up to save the day, however, looking for Denzel! However, Kadaj decides to play Overkill, and summons Bahamut. Naturally, things hit the hyperdrive, as he…tries to blow everything up. Cue the over the top rolecall as Cid, Barret, Vince and all the other main characters who survived come in making ridiculous one-liners…just shut up and look cool, this is why FFVII didn’t have voices

Cloud shows up last on his giant “Chopper” ((Get it? It’s a bike, and it has several big swords being stored? Ah you lot have no sense of humour…)) and after a brief talk with Denel, has Tifa jump on, grabs his sword, and speeds off to take on Bahamut…and oh my god, why the hell is Cait Sith talking like that? Since when in the damn games did anyone imply he’s Scottish? And the accent is so over the top…will someone in the film industry treat the Scottish with some respect?! And why is he riding Red instead of the giant stuffed moogle?! I loved the bloody moogle! This fight scene better make up for this…

There is a moment where Tifa, Barret and Vince stand side by side in another throwback to the old PS1 game, but beyond it’s mainly “We can do cool moves, and hit a giant dragon without doing any damage!” It’s not until Cloud saves Barret from collapsing stuff, that things start to happen. As Bahamut flies up and threatens to nuke the town, Cloud starts to fly, getting a boosty up from everyone, including Aeris/Aerith as he flies through the energy blast, and uses his sword to slice open Bahamut. Meanwhile, Reno and Rude, or Baldie and Red, are fighting it out with the other two Sephi-Cosplayers. Their fight is nowhere as near as badass as the fight with Bahamut, and tries to be comical. The only point that made me laugh was when Rude fell on Reno as he just stood up. As Kadaj laughs at watching his new friend’s spine being sliced up, Rufus, who has been sitting beside him talking casually, reveals he has what he’s been looking for – his mother’s head, which is kinda creepy considering how long the movie’s been going. He’s been holding someone’s head in a box on his lap…ew.

Anyway, instead of destroying it or getting rid of it – you know, do the smart thing – he simply drops it out the window, Kadaj promptly jumps out and tries to catch it. Rufus follows and begins to shoot at it with his shotgun while he falls….why not just shoot Kadaj? Or the box for that matter? There’s no point in doing that! Anyway, Tsung and Elena who we were almost pretty much shown to be dead, fire net guns to catch the Shinra President, hooray. The three Sephi-Cosplayers drive off on their bikes as Cloud uses his Hawk-O-Vision to see the whole thing go down.

Now, we’ve entered the part of the movie where there is no plot, no emotions – just a lot and lot and lot of fighting. Basically, Kadaj drives to Midgar, with Cloud and the other two battling it out. What follows is another great fight scene, with some great moves that could only be possible in a CGI movie…or a Wire-Fu movie. Anyway, thanks to a waiting Reno and Rude who have big flashy-boom bombs waiting for The other dopey pairing, Cloud atches up to Kadaj in…you guessed it – the church. After some more talking, Cloud ends up in the water, and his Geostigma – the thing messing quite a few people up – is healed by taking a bath. This brings back an old worry I had about Final Fantasy games…how often did they bathe? I don’t wanna know…

This of course leads to “Teh Finul Battl3” between Cloud and Kadaj, who finally opens the shot-up box containing Jenovah’s head, and fully becomes Sephiroth – they fight some more, and Cloud wins using Omnislash, just as in the game. Cloud nearly dies after the other two Sephi-clones pop up, Zack and Aerith send him back, and he bathes the ill kids. Movie over, finally.

This movie took so long to get started, it bored me for 80% of it, with the final third being the only time it started getting into gear. It’s a good movie, but it’s lost its charm since it was released. It’s alright, but not great, not bad. It’s average. All it is.

Now, i’m gonna go shoot myself before Tuesday – see you then!


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Posted by on April 2, 2009 in Celtic Gaming


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