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Rappy’s Comic Reviews: Jurassic Park-Redemption Issue #2

02 Apr

Note: All art shown here is copyrighted by IDW Publishing, and is the creation of Frank Miller and Nate Van Dyke. The images are shown here for referential use in this satirical non-profit review only.

Lest we forget what I’m also reviewing alongside other things, we’re back with issue numero dos of Jurassic Park: Redemption. When we last left off, a bladder-addled Hispanic farmer (since he has a red shirt and blue overalls, I shall call him Mario, and proceed to make fan speculations that he has prior experience in fighting large reptiles, as well as plumbing) was being loomed over by a Carnotaurus, South America’s “meat-eating bull” dinosaur and one hell of a pug-faced oddity. Well, an oddity to us; I’m sure that, to other abelisaurids, Carnotaurus was quite the handsome gent. But I digress…

Issue 2 opens up with our unlucky farmer getting his guts nuzzled around in by aforementioned pug-face, at the same time proving the old horror movie adage of “Black Hispanic Dude Dies First”. And yet, after one page of Dr. Bakker Backer (seriously, I still can’t get over the fact that they named a parody of Robert Bakker “Backer”) giving Wu and Dodgson his angry face over the escape of a dangerous theropod, we find the police investigating the cattle mutilation…while Mario stands over it! Does it hurt to ask for a little continuity? Or at the very least an explanation of how he survived the attack beyond “he had a spare 1-Up Mushroom”…

The question is, where is Luigi for all of this?

Meanwhile, at the Comanche Peak Nuclear Power Plant (which, yes, does actually exist), some employees are arguing over Twilight…no, that’s not sarcasm, I’m very serious…as what is supposed to be a Mosasaurus (but looks more like a deformed alligator pool toy) smashes through the chain link fence and heads up the water flow from the cooling tanks. Now, seeing as manatees and American crocodiles do frequent waters near nuclear power plants for warmth, I won’t put this into question, although it still seems rather out of nowhere compared to the previous creatures.

At the same time as this scene, we have Lex both aggravating a Texas businessman with the socialist planning of her vegetable-producing corporation (now there’s an anachronism; and if she isn’t even hiring local workers to boost the Texan economy, how are the vegetables being harvested anyway? Magical crop fairies?) and that someone is stealing her crops. Or something, as it may be, since we already know Dodgson and company are giving the Triceratops a bit of free LexxCrops munchies. Speaking of Dodgson…

Would you believe he's the villain?

Cut to the Fossil Rim Wildlife Reserve (which, in reality, is the Fossil Rim Wildlife Center, but that’s a minor error that I can let pass), where we have a herd of white rhinoceros. Like in reality, they are at the wildlife reserve/center as part of a larger effort to breed back the species from extinction. Unlike in reality, the Carnotaurus shows off his shapeshifting powers as he appears out of a nearby forest, now as large as a Tyrannosaurus and hungry for a little white rhino meat.

…I’ll let that sink in for a moment.

Has it sunk in yet? Good. And as if eating a herd of cattle and then some well-defended rhinoceri wasn’t enough for the beastly bulldog-faced brute, he then eats another random Hispanic man seen for one page and one page only, before heading on to cause even more needless carnage. This is a common trait with many monster movies, but it must be stated again. Dinosaurs are animals. They are not flesh-savoring undead with endless hunger, demonic things from another world, or gluttonous beasts. They are animals, and they don’t eat when they aren’t hungry. And for that matter, when you have a large supply of cattle to eat, why go after something as well-defended as a rhinoceros?!

And speaking of cattle, yet more actually have been eaten! Sheriff Delgado is understandably concerned, considering that three ranches’ worth of cattle have now been mutilated, which sounds less like the work of a predator and more that of a fleet of drunken frat boy aliens. We then have a montage of simultaneous events: the mysterious faceless business partner of Tim boarding a plane to the Texas, Lex boarding a plane to..well, Texas, again…and Tim on a talk show with an inexplicably blue-furred (!) bonobo named Adolf (!!), and being chewed out by the senator fellow, before heading to guess-where.

Well...guess I should cross 9/11 off my "phrases I never expect to see in a Jurassic Park story" list.

Back in Texas, Dodgson is making the rounds, feeding inexplicably plant-eating Dimetrodons and some mysterious carnivores in cages that he sabotages, allowing the unseen predators to escape their pen. The issue ends with a small game of cat-and-mouse against the Carnotaurus (guess who wins? I’ll give you one guess: it’s not the InGen employees) and a panel of Dr. Wu’s disembodied arm on a bloody computer console.

With the death count rising beyond all comprehension and three forces about to collide, what ever could happen next? …Well, I already know what happens next, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna tell you ahead of time. Tune in next time, for the most stupid plot twist in Jurassic Park history.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on April 2, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

One response to “Rappy’s Comic Reviews: Jurassic Park-Redemption Issue #2

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